| Glimmer Man - A Review |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|09:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | MY SCROTUM | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  touched | ] |
| [ | music |
| | CRAWLING IN MY SKIN THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL | ] |
3 minutes 27 seconds into the Glimmer Man. Steven Seagull's nerves already showing through the egg-shell thin pretense he presumably calls 'acting', as he desperately hides behind his co-star Keenan Ivory Wayans in an attempt to hide his rotundity from the merciless camera. Did I make the wrong choice yesterday when I bought this movie hoping it would fill the void in my heart left by the fact that the only movies starring Sly Stallone in JB HiFi are ones I already own?
Only time will tell.
5 minutes 38 seconds in. Missed vital plot point because was staring at hair left out of place in Seagull's pony tail. Want to kill myself.
6 minutes 33. The vacuum left by the two leads' complete lack of acting ability gradually sucking away my soul, line by terribly delivered line. Stay tuned.
10 minutes 57. Seagull: "Now get your ugly white ass out of here, and don't come back." Ah. The irony. Ahhhhh.
Somewhere within the murky depths of the 13th minute. Seagull, referring to a corpse: "I don't think she's American, I think she's Russian. The hair, the cheek bones..."
Excuse me while I vomit on myself.
13 minutes 45 seconds. Seagull's shirt suddenly much baggier on him than before. I suspect a girdle.
The 15th minute. ... What.
19 minutes 29. The first fight scene. Basically consisted of Seagull flailing his arms as if deflecting his attackers with those pathetic slappy movements you make when you've got your arms folded up in front of your chest in what I like to call the 'baby raptor stance', followed by a shot of his opponent inexplicably dead. I predict great things for the rest of this movie's fight choreography.
21 minutes 22. Seagull keeps on referring to Wayans as 'grasshopper'. The latter has no problem with this flagrant condescension, and in fact seems happy to be praised by Seagull, even though in the previous scene it was shown that Wayan's character in fact dislikes and is suspicious of Seagull's character. Am beginning to suspect this movie was not so much made, but was rather a collection of short scenes written independently of each other that were filmed and edited together in an indiscriminate order.
If so, could I then describe it as a post modern masterpiece? No, no I could not.
23 minutes 19. Seagull's toupee is a greased black slug fit snug over a wrinkled tan watermelon. I am mesmerised.
24 minutes 56. A time lapse film technique was used - you know the one where the focal character is stationary, but the background fades into a different shot to show that time has passed? Yeah, that one - during a shot which was a group of about 15 people leaving a room at a regular pace.
15 people leaving a room.
34 minutes 17. "I have something in my pocket that can completely clear up that bruise on your forehead." ... Wait, what?
Oh.
35 minutes 17. What immediately preceded was one of the most homoerotic fight scenes I have seen to date, and yet it did not even amuse me. That is how terrible this movie is. Also, his hair no longer mesmerises me. Its sheer unbridled greasiness is now making me feel physically ill.
41 minutes 15. "I am in hell. I am in hell!" I sympathise with the serial killer. Death would be sweet release.
48 minutes 05. If you are a set designer, and for the purposes of a film's plot you must make a house appear abandoned, and you think that the best way to achieve this would be to change nothing about the house except fill it with birds, then perhaps you should not be set designer.
51 minutes 11. I suspect that Seagull cannot move his legs higher than a 10 degree angle. Also, both main characters at this point seem to be walking the streets dressed in pajamas. Ugly, ugly pajamas.
52 minutes 20. The two main characters just saw Casablanca together (wearing their pajamas) on some kind of date. I don't know how I feel.
55 minutes 20. The two fifty year old male villains of this piece are lounging around the pool side of their Roman villa in matching bath robes, under which they are only wearing their skimpy swimsuits (or less). "Come on in," one of them winks to the other. "The water's fine."
I suppose their decadent homosexuality was the subtle hint that they're evil.
1 hour 40 seconds. WHY WON'T THIS MOVIE END
1 hour 1 minute 43 seconds. Unfortunately for the script writers, the only feedback I can give them is that a recurring joke about deer penises does not "wry comedy chops" make.
1 hour 5 minutes 40 seconds. Am now watching this in fast forward. Everyone speaks like a chipmunk. WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REMEMBER THIS FUNCTION
1 hour 9 minutes 9 seconds. Villain to Seagull: "God I miss you, Jack. Some of the young men these days won't go the extra mile."
"I miss you too, Smith."
I see.
1 hour 25 minutes. The credits roll. I feel like my sensibilities, foolish ideas of morality and aesthetic appreciation of film making have all been irreversibly violated by Wayan's 'comedic' stylings and Seagull's unsettling sussurous mutterings. I imagine Seagull's tongue to be made out of velvet hellfire.
To conclude: The 'wit' certainly did not 'hit the fan'.
AND YET.. I WOULD STILL WATCH THE SEQUEL IF IT WAS THIS
THE GLIMMER MAN 2:
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| Comments: |
*cries with laughter* I know it's only funny because I didn't have to sit through it myself, and I applaud you for not killing yourself or the DVD before the end, but my face now hurts from laughing so much at your summary. XD
i'm glad you enjoyed ~~~
i however, will never be the same...
so, what's the haps, chaps? what's happening in the land of shivvers?
>___> <___<
flying back to Australia this sunday evening and I am so completely disorganised. Well... I guess not THAT disorganised, for me, I've at least sorted my crap into pack/toss/give away/give away if don't use first and mostly cleaned the room and so forth, but the actual compressing of crap into bags that will not cost a billion yen to get back to Australia is a little more challenging. Plus I've booked myself out all saturday. LOL LOL LOL sjdfkdslfjklsd x____x (not that I regret that because it'll be awesome, but I am setting a new bar for cuttin it fine.)
also I want to kill ANU in the face for my delightful timetable but OH WELL. How about you?
so, are you back in australia now? or did something go terribly terribly wrong between these comments... what are you doing at ANU this year? i personally love it atm for my timetable with thurs and friday off, but i can understand that others might have complaints. | |
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